Happy
by astheblackrosewilts
Summary: Watching Mika sleep Tohma thinks about happiness, TohmaxMika, TohmaxEiri, both implied.


AN First Gravitation fic ever, a celebration for my finally getting ahold of the DVDs, tell me what you think and please be gentle. 

Rating – PG if that

Disclaimer – I do not own Gravitation though anyone who thinks I do probably doesn't have the intelligence to process that statement anyway.

Summary – Watching Mika sleep Tohma thinks about happiness, TohmaxMika, TohmaxEiri, both implied.

**Happy**

"I'm going to bed now Tohma." The words ring round the formerly silent room startling me from my work. She closes the book she's been reading and walks over to me, dropping an, almost absentminded, practiced kiss on my, automatically upturned, cheek, before leaving the room.

I don't follow her, she doesn't expect me to, I never do. As usual though I offer the obligatory 'I'll be up soon' after her.

I'm lying of course, it's nearly three am when I finally make it to bed. I have to be up and at work in two hours, there almost seems no point in going to sleep.

Instead I watch her. Cold, distant, untouchable. Curled up on one side of our king-size bed, I occupy the other, we never meet.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, I loved her I really did. I remember to proposing, just three months after our first date. She laughed as she nodded in answer to my hesitant question, said she'd always known I was a romantic.

A romantic? Or someone who was taking one last, desperate stab at normality?

Then I met _him_, I'd been round to her house before of course, I'd met her parents, she was their only daughter, their baby, they were very protective of her. Somehow I'd always missed him though. Eiri Uesugi, I wondered how I'd done it.

He was sixteen, sixteen and perfect, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. So different from the others his age, cheerful, friendly and, the strangest thing, blonde, despite his Japanese roots.

She'd mentioned that she had brothers, the younger, Tatshua, was training to be a monk but Eiri… My dear Eiri wanted to be a writer. Well, if that's what he wanted to be that's what was going to happen and I was going to do everything in my, steadily increasing, power to make his dreams come true.

We went to New York but left not long after, Yuki had to die but we weren't going to tempt fate.

Time went on, to use a cliché, Nittle Grasper's first, second and third albums went platinum and Eiri started his first novel.

I put him in touch with a publisher and almost lost my own in making sure his dreams came true.

Gradually Eiri changed into Yuki, the name he uses to publish his books, the name his lover calls him by, to me though, he'll always be Eiri, the sixteen year old I fell in love with.

He's not the same though, as much as I'm trying not to admit it. He's moved on but I can't.

I cant and my obsession is ruining my life and the lives of those close to me. It's even hurting Eiri, I can't be making his, already tremulous, relationship with Shuichi any easier.

I know what people think; I know that they hold the unwavering view that if I tell him I'll be able to get over him. They're wrong though, the only reason Eiri can still stand to be near me is because as long as I don't tell him he can still hold onto the belief that I care for him as no more than a brother. If I lost that I don't know what I'd do.

I jump as the alarm blares, startling me out of my thoughts I can't believe I've been thinking for so long. Mika doesn't even stir at the noise, she's used to it, used to me leaving at, 'absurd' hours and returning home long after she's gone to sleep.

I know she loves me, or cares at least and she's going to let me destroy myself in peace, a tribute to the love we once supposedly shared.

I turn off the alarm and resist the urge to stroke her hair, I lost that right when I fell in love with her brother.

I'm sorry Mika, I made a mistake and now it's you who has to live with it, there's no chance for divorce, much or our respective lives is successful because we're married, the Japanese tend to be rather traditional in that respect.

Nothing will change, I'll go to work, she'll do whatever it is she does with her days, we'll maybe meet for a quick lunch, do the obligatory camera appearance for the media, we'll smile and they'll take the same photos they always take, the two of us, standing next to each other, like we're still newlyweds, madly in love with each other. The same game we've been playing for the past eight years.

No one will question it, no one who doesn't know us ever does.

After all, we're happy, aren't we?

**Owari**

ANWell, how was that? Please tell me in a review. – Puppy dog eyes -


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